On being a man. Men's group on Wednesday night reminded me that I do not accept that I am an alpha male. Are the characteristics of alpha males inherent, inherited, learned, believed, environmental, necessary, important...? Were they beaten out of me? I felt the emotional sting of being a "have-not" last night. So, to soothe my wounds, I chose to eat. Did it help? Not a bit. I chose to "self-medicate" instead of reaching out. Reaching out to my support system around me. Reaching out to "Our Father who art in heaven." Oops.
Still processing...
I am now officially engaged to Rachel Scarbrough. This reality brings much to the forefront that I struggle to face. Debts that come calling. I don't want to bring those things into our marriage. It worries me to even think about it. I am worrying about the wind. I come by it honestly!! (Thanks mom!) So, I guess I'll choose to not worry about this anymore. Funny thing is, worrying totally punches the bruise I wrote about in the paragraph above.
Basically, it goes like this. Each choice we make either adds value or takes value. Taking value quickly leads to indebtedness. This is played out in my father leaving our family when I was 12 years old. This choice was just one in a list of choices that took value out of me. Through this violent act, I became burdened with a debt. My debt has a voice. I call him "Shellrude". He is only concerned about one thing - paying off this debt. At any cost. Even by taking everything: my heart, my joy, my stability, my life....
I finally had a talk with Shellrude a couple months ago. I had never spoken directly to him before. I told him I was not going to blindly follow his voice any more. I told him that I didn't have to pay this debt. I told him I was going to choose to give my debts over to Christ Jesus everytime he chose to remind me that I still had some. It worked. It still works. Even now, I now realize that this is an old debt newly rediscovered. Quite the bruise on my heart.
So, here goes...
Shellrude, I remove your right to call on this debt. I choose to give my Daddy this debt because He wants to pay it for me. I know that I inherited this debt from generations of fatherlessness. I don't accept your lies that I have to pay it all back. I don't have to pay it all back. I release myself from this debt by claiming the cross of Christ as my freedom. You have no power to hold me to this debt any more. Leave me alone and do not bother me again.
Still Processing...
Worry is a bottomless pit I often find myself either falling down or trying to climb out of. What a waste of time.
Still Processing...
So, I choose to be free. I also chose to call my dad today. I forgot that I don't get another biological father, and as much as I would like to prove otherwise avoiding him is not working. It hurts to even start thinking about the subject, but important nonetheless. What debt could there be here?
I know. I've known a long time. Basically, I want to forgive him for all he did without having to tell him how much he hurt me. It's not working. It didn't work then and it still has yet to prove fruitful. Bummer! What to do, what to do.
Suggestions? I mean it's not as if I could just talk to him. Hmph. Oh well. You know, I just want things to be the way "they used to be." LOL As if there ever was such a thing. Do you know how much money is spent every year on "reclaiming what was once lost"?! I could have better now though. Not exactly sure how, but I know that is what God wants for me. He can do it too. As "easily" as forgiving my debts. You know this whole forgiveness thing with my father is heavily influenced by debt. His debt that he could never pay me back. Hear that? He can never pay off this debt. Never. Why do I wait? I genuinely have often believed that if he could pay me back, then maybe I could pay back my debtors. Oh man that's scary.
My dad can never pay back this debt. There's a scary amount of loss and freedom in this reality.
Still Processing...
What do I do with this new statement? What's a boy to do?
Suggestions?
Still Processing...
There. I did it. I called and released him from this debt he could never pay. Here's to new beginnings...
Still Processing...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment