Ok, so I had my first emotional interaction with a frustrated end user today. She has a valid frustration, but I could not give her a time frame for completion because I hadn't solved this type of issue before. She kept asking for a time frame and kept telling her I didn't know. She got frustrated and told me she was frustrated. I told her I was well aware of her frustration, but I just needed her to let me do my job. I would not be working on another project until this one was finished, so it would be finished as soon as possible.
Quite emotional. I was surprised how much I was reacting. My voice was quavering and I was on the verge of tears. I just wanted to cry, but I stayed as focused as possible and tried to talk out the details with her. Goodness gracious.
So, "People Pleasing" bit me in the butt today. This is the ugly side of feeding this addiction. When I realized I couldn't please her, I wanted to turn on her and push her and the whole mess aside. I'm learning to serve her even when it is not pleasing to do so. I don't want to live in bondage to a "people pleasing" spirit.
So, I'm looking for practical steps and tips on how to respond when I cannot complete a task to the client's satisfaction. I cannot change the way things are, but I can change my attitude. I want to have a confident attitude and posture toward the client. How can I learn to be reassuring? Maybe seeing things from her perspective and understanding her frustration is valid AND I don't have to freak out about it. I took her frustration personally and didn't stay focused on serving her needs confidently and patiently.
I reject any poor attitude or unhealthy perspective. I want to be free! I sincerely want to learn how to meet her needs the best way I can and not feel guilty or inadequate if my best is not up to his or her expectations. I'm amazing!! (Glory to God, lol)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
On the Verge of a New Beginning
It's almost here, I can taste it. I recently applied for a job at Simpson University as a PC Technician. The whole process happened very quickly and brought up a lot (A LOT) of feelings and emotions in me. Rachel helped me process a lot (A LOT) of it and challenged me to believe in myself. Here's today's meditation to sum up the last two weeks:
Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't -- you are right. ~ Henry Ford
Attitude shapes the quality of our lives. If we perceive ourselves as failures, as helpless victims who are only kidding ourselves with all this talk of recovery - and if that attitude is not contested - then truly, we are not capable of change.
If, on the other hand, our attitude is positive, a whole new set of realities emerges. Empowered by a different self-perception, we see that our lives are largely of our own making, that the past does not have to rule us like a tyrant king, that that we are more able than we ever dreamed, and that indeed we are capable of deciding anew who we will be and how we will live.
Reality itself only rarely determines outcomes. Our attitude toward that reality is what makes the difference. People in general are limited by attitude, not by opportunity. What one person judges to be a miserable, rainy day may be to another a marvelous opportunity to sell umbrellas.
I am responsible for my own world view. I -- not others -- choose the kind of glass I'm going to wear.
________________________________________________
I couldn't have done this without support. It has blown me away how many people have believed in me along the way.
I've got so many questions about the next leg of my journey. I've experienced an explosion of dreams since I applied for this job. It is a dream come true to work in education. More later, I must spend time with my beautiful girlfriend. :)
Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't -- you are right. ~ Henry Ford
Attitude shapes the quality of our lives. If we perceive ourselves as failures, as helpless victims who are only kidding ourselves with all this talk of recovery - and if that attitude is not contested - then truly, we are not capable of change.
If, on the other hand, our attitude is positive, a whole new set of realities emerges. Empowered by a different self-perception, we see that our lives are largely of our own making, that the past does not have to rule us like a tyrant king, that that we are more able than we ever dreamed, and that indeed we are capable of deciding anew who we will be and how we will live.
Reality itself only rarely determines outcomes. Our attitude toward that reality is what makes the difference. People in general are limited by attitude, not by opportunity. What one person judges to be a miserable, rainy day may be to another a marvelous opportunity to sell umbrellas.
I am responsible for my own world view. I -- not others -- choose the kind of glass I'm going to wear.
________________________________________________
I couldn't have done this without support. It has blown me away how many people have believed in me along the way.
I've got so many questions about the next leg of my journey. I've experienced an explosion of dreams since I applied for this job. It is a dream come true to work in education. More later, I must spend time with my beautiful girlfriend. :)
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day Nine
“The hope which is laid up for you in heaven.” ~ Colossians 1:5
"...let it never be said of us, that we are dreaming about the future and forgetting the present, let the future sanctify the present to highest uses. Through the Spirit of God the hope of heaven is the most potent force for the product of virtue. . . .The man who has this hope in him goes about his work with vigour, for the joy of the Lord is his strength. He fights against temptation with ardour, for the hope of the next world repels the fiery darts of the adversary. He can labour without present reward, for he looks for a reward in the world to come." ~ Charles Spurgeon
It's been a tough week. Ok, maybe not completely, but I guess I'm a pretty big wuss when it comes to difficult situations. Twice this week, I was faced with problems that I couldn't overcome. As in, I had a goal and every course of action and re-adjustment I made ended in frustration and failure. This morning, I didn't just hit roadblocks (like the other day). Nope. I broke a $350 piece of equipment because I didn't back off and walk away when I was clearly in over my head. I just kept going at it - muttering to myself, "I should be able to do this..." Oh dear Lord in heaven above, please forgive me for this stubborn streak parading through the main street of my heart. I'm learning an important lesson. I know, I know. But what a painful way to learn. This really hurts. It all hurts my pride. Oh well. So be it.
So, with a wounded pride, I must take a few minutes to get some thoughts down before my next appointment in a couple minutes.
My sponsor for CoDA flexed his sponsorship priviledges with me yesterday. I brought snacks to the meeting this last Monday evening. It was not thought out. In my mind, this is standard procedure. Well, Scott was inspired to speak out concerning this pattern. He questioned the act, but this is what I've taken away from his concern. Upon thinking it through, I may have still gone through with it, but under different motives. He's right in that I manipulated the situation for my benefit. A possibly minor distinction for most people, but a significant one as far as being healthy instead of codependent is concerned. Yay. I understand! So, I confess that I manipulated the situation for my own benefit. Altruism is important to me, but not within the context of feigned ignorance.
In a different conversation with a different person on a different day in a different place, I was challenged to consider another difficult observation. It's difficult to accept constructive criticism on such a regular basis, but I'm learning! My relationship with Rachel has grown and blossomed. In the beginning of our relationship, I made quite a few mistakes. I hurt her deeply with my fear of intimacy and commitment and a slew of other issues. Well, that's when I started attending CoDA and seeking healing from my relationship wounds (among other wounds ). We took some time off and started the healing process. Well, along the way, we started talking again and I shared with her my commitment to seek healing and growth for my life. I was scared still in letting her into my life, but I told her if she understood my commitment, I would love to have her in my life. I made a commitment to focus on my healing and growth for one year. I told her if she wanted to be a part of that process, I would absolutely love for her to walk with me. We struggled. I struggled. Many arguments, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and tears later I was challenged to look at my heart again. Somewhere along the way, my one-year commitment stopped being the scary, risky encounter and started becoming a shield from a deeper relationship with her. Hmm. What I learned today is that I created this goal of one year with deep significant meaning and purpose (which it had when I started) which is good but needs to be in a larger context of goals layered together toward an even deeper significant meaning and purpose.
In my mind, it's like the high percentage of pastors who leave after their church finally moves into their new building. It becomes the highest goal. What happens next? So, I am challenging myself in so many areas to live with purpose and direction. God's purpose and direction. If I forget the distinction, I'm sure I'll see more opportunities to fail miserably and wonder why I can't seem to do what I think I SHOULD be able to do. It all goes downhill from there.
Today's Music:
The Rocket Summer - I need the pick-me-up. :)
"...let it never be said of us, that we are dreaming about the future and forgetting the present, let the future sanctify the present to highest uses. Through the Spirit of God the hope of heaven is the most potent force for the product of virtue. . . .The man who has this hope in him goes about his work with vigour, for the joy of the Lord is his strength. He fights against temptation with ardour, for the hope of the next world repels the fiery darts of the adversary. He can labour without present reward, for he looks for a reward in the world to come." ~ Charles Spurgeon
It's been a tough week. Ok, maybe not completely, but I guess I'm a pretty big wuss when it comes to difficult situations. Twice this week, I was faced with problems that I couldn't overcome. As in, I had a goal and every course of action and re-adjustment I made ended in frustration and failure. This morning, I didn't just hit roadblocks (like the other day). Nope. I broke a $350 piece of equipment because I didn't back off and walk away when I was clearly in over my head. I just kept going at it - muttering to myself, "I should be able to do this..." Oh dear Lord in heaven above, please forgive me for this stubborn streak parading through the main street of my heart. I'm learning an important lesson. I know, I know. But what a painful way to learn. This really hurts. It all hurts my pride. Oh well. So be it.
So, with a wounded pride, I must take a few minutes to get some thoughts down before my next appointment in a couple minutes.
My sponsor for CoDA flexed his sponsorship priviledges with me yesterday. I brought snacks to the meeting this last Monday evening. It was not thought out. In my mind, this is standard procedure. Well, Scott was inspired to speak out concerning this pattern. He questioned the act, but this is what I've taken away from his concern. Upon thinking it through, I may have still gone through with it, but under different motives. He's right in that I manipulated the situation for my benefit. A possibly minor distinction for most people, but a significant one as far as being healthy instead of codependent is concerned. Yay. I understand! So, I confess that I manipulated the situation for my own benefit. Altruism is important to me, but not within the context of feigned ignorance.
In a different conversation with a different person on a different day in a different place, I was challenged to consider another difficult observation. It's difficult to accept constructive criticism on such a regular basis, but I'm learning! My relationship with Rachel has grown and blossomed. In the beginning of our relationship, I made quite a few mistakes. I hurt her deeply with my fear of intimacy and commitment and a slew of other issues. Well, that's when I started attending CoDA and seeking healing from my relationship wounds (among other wounds ). We took some time off and started the healing process. Well, along the way, we started talking again and I shared with her my commitment to seek healing and growth for my life. I was scared still in letting her into my life, but I told her if she understood my commitment, I would love to have her in my life. I made a commitment to focus on my healing and growth for one year. I told her if she wanted to be a part of that process, I would absolutely love for her to walk with me. We struggled. I struggled. Many arguments, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and tears later I was challenged to look at my heart again. Somewhere along the way, my one-year commitment stopped being the scary, risky encounter and started becoming a shield from a deeper relationship with her. Hmm. What I learned today is that I created this goal of one year with deep significant meaning and purpose (which it had when I started) which is good but needs to be in a larger context of goals layered together toward an even deeper significant meaning and purpose.
In my mind, it's like the high percentage of pastors who leave after their church finally moves into their new building. It becomes the highest goal. What happens next? So, I am challenging myself in so many areas to live with purpose and direction. God's purpose and direction. If I forget the distinction, I'm sure I'll see more opportunities to fail miserably and wonder why I can't seem to do what I think I SHOULD be able to do. It all goes downhill from there.
Today's Music:
The Rocket Summer - I need the pick-me-up. :)
Monday, September 29, 2008
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day Six
Hidden, unfelt, unconfessed iniquity is the true leprosy, but when sin is seen and felt it has received its death blow, and the Lord looks with eyes of mercy upon the soul afflicted with it. ~ Charles Spurgeon
It's time to be honest and let go of this resistance. I am SO resistant to God's control over my life. I'm not proud of it. It's like living with the same person for twenty years. Never marrying. Never committing to any specific future together -- just living together. It works, but it's not overwhelmingly satisfying. Just nice. Whatever. My resistance is such a close friend. How can I just kick him out now?!
It's just a little leaven...he he.
Ok. So today has been a tough day for my struggle with initiative. I wavered all day between idleness and rest. Idleness has accrued the bulk of hours, but I'm here to confess iniquity and receive Mercy. Why is this so difficult? Partly due to inexperience in spending time with God both meaningfully and consistently. He is my only hope for living well. When I run back to him, the fog lifts and I feel light rush back into my soul. I love my life. I love what He's teaching me. I love that I spent three days setting aside food for time with Him. I learned so much about hunger and my body. I learned about discipline and control. I learned about my strength and commitment. In many ways, not eating was easier than dieting.
I've transitioned back to food for now, but I've committed to only eating fruits and vegetables. This has raised some interesting observations. When I wasn't eating, I understood my hunger as a necessary result of not eating. This seems rational enough. I'm eating now and I still feel hungry a lot of the time. Rabbit food just doesn't sit in my stomach the same way as meats and starches do. So, I eat and my body is fine, but emotionally some particular button is still not being pressed. Meaning: I'm full, but where's the food high I'm so used to?! So, I'm quickly growing more nervous as I realize that my food is feeding my body, but my soul is not numbed or deadened by the food. Ha ha ha. Have you tried binging on carrots and celery?! It's like avoiding my responsibilities by talking to someone who won't indulge and enable my procrastination. I don't get my strokes anymore :( So, I think I may have tried to binge on a salad this morning, but it did not have the intended effect on me. So, the numbing never kicked in and I moved on to other distractions (just surfing the Internet here at work). So, it's four o'clock in the afternoon and I've accomplished just about nothing. If I hadn't returned all my phone calls I'd be in the doghouse, so I'll cut me some slack. Not a whole lot of progress though.
So, I'll blog the rest of the day away and return for more tomorrow ;)
Okay, so I just played my trump card. I'm officially dis-involved with the alternative energy company courting me. I just called and spoke to the head guy and he requested I send him an email. It's sent and I'm done. Which leads me to the next bit of news...
I've tentatively decided to possibily establish a commission to look into going back to school to finish my teaching credential. I tried once before and royally bolluxed the whole bit. I'm still paying for it and then some. But, this is big news for me. I'm officially considering education again. I left education severely wounded by ridiculous overreactions to my immature mistakes. The door was closed on me and I walked away battered and bruised. It's been a couple years and I've decided that this one experience cannot steal away and deny me the joy and passion I have for teaching. 'Nuff said.
So, it won't happen quickly. It won't be rushed. At this point, I will start making plans to complete my credential through Simpson University. I will shoot for starting next fall and finish two years after that. All said, I may be teaching again by the fall of 2011. Hmm. Sounds good. It feels good being able to plan something that far in advance. I'm proud of myself for seeing the healthiness and value in taking this slowly. Yay!
Today's Music:
Hard Christian Music - Early Tourniquet, Living Sacrifice, P.O.D., Project 86, Bloodshed (YEAH!!)
This was long overdue. Having this new life of maturity and growth has asked me to shelf my love for hard music, but I've rediscovered it today. Personal favorites:
"Coming Back" P.O.D.
"The Scarlet Letter" Bloodshed
"Threshold" Stavesacre
"You Get What You Pray For" Tourniquet
It's time to be honest and let go of this resistance. I am SO resistant to God's control over my life. I'm not proud of it. It's like living with the same person for twenty years. Never marrying. Never committing to any specific future together -- just living together. It works, but it's not overwhelmingly satisfying. Just nice. Whatever. My resistance is such a close friend. How can I just kick him out now?!
It's just a little leaven...he he.
Ok. So today has been a tough day for my struggle with initiative. I wavered all day between idleness and rest. Idleness has accrued the bulk of hours, but I'm here to confess iniquity and receive Mercy. Why is this so difficult? Partly due to inexperience in spending time with God both meaningfully and consistently. He is my only hope for living well. When I run back to him, the fog lifts and I feel light rush back into my soul. I love my life. I love what He's teaching me. I love that I spent three days setting aside food for time with Him. I learned so much about hunger and my body. I learned about discipline and control. I learned about my strength and commitment. In many ways, not eating was easier than dieting.
I've transitioned back to food for now, but I've committed to only eating fruits and vegetables. This has raised some interesting observations. When I wasn't eating, I understood my hunger as a necessary result of not eating. This seems rational enough. I'm eating now and I still feel hungry a lot of the time. Rabbit food just doesn't sit in my stomach the same way as meats and starches do. So, I eat and my body is fine, but emotionally some particular button is still not being pressed. Meaning: I'm full, but where's the food high I'm so used to?! So, I'm quickly growing more nervous as I realize that my food is feeding my body, but my soul is not numbed or deadened by the food. Ha ha ha. Have you tried binging on carrots and celery?! It's like avoiding my responsibilities by talking to someone who won't indulge and enable my procrastination. I don't get my strokes anymore :( So, I think I may have tried to binge on a salad this morning, but it did not have the intended effect on me. So, the numbing never kicked in and I moved on to other distractions (just surfing the Internet here at work). So, it's four o'clock in the afternoon and I've accomplished just about nothing. If I hadn't returned all my phone calls I'd be in the doghouse, so I'll cut me some slack. Not a whole lot of progress though.
So, I'll blog the rest of the day away and return for more tomorrow ;)
Okay, so I just played my trump card. I'm officially dis-involved with the alternative energy company courting me. I just called and spoke to the head guy and he requested I send him an email. It's sent and I'm done. Which leads me to the next bit of news...
I've tentatively decided to possibily establish a commission to look into going back to school to finish my teaching credential. I tried once before and royally bolluxed the whole bit. I'm still paying for it and then some. But, this is big news for me. I'm officially considering education again. I left education severely wounded by ridiculous overreactions to my immature mistakes. The door was closed on me and I walked away battered and bruised. It's been a couple years and I've decided that this one experience cannot steal away and deny me the joy and passion I have for teaching. 'Nuff said.
So, it won't happen quickly. It won't be rushed. At this point, I will start making plans to complete my credential through Simpson University. I will shoot for starting next fall and finish two years after that. All said, I may be teaching again by the fall of 2011. Hmm. Sounds good. It feels good being able to plan something that far in advance. I'm proud of myself for seeing the healthiness and value in taking this slowly. Yay!
Today's Music:
Hard Christian Music - Early Tourniquet, Living Sacrifice, P.O.D., Project 86, Bloodshed (YEAH!!)
This was long overdue. Having this new life of maturity and growth has asked me to shelf my love for hard music, but I've rediscovered it today. Personal favorites:
"Coming Back" P.O.D.
"The Scarlet Letter" Bloodshed
"Threshold" Stavesacre
"You Get What You Pray For" Tourniquet
Friday, September 26, 2008
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day Three
Hebrews 12
v.5 So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either.
I will not give in to self-pity. I will not give in to fear. I will not feel sorry for myself. I'm on my third day of my fast. This is really hard. I've decided to fast from all food completely for 72 hours. I'm on hour 65 of this fast. What a ride this has been. Call me crazy, but when I'm this ridiculously hungry God's presence has a noticeable effect on my body. I'm mean there's a noticeable difference between working on computer stuff while slowly losing energy and digging into God's word and feeling encouraged. I dunno if that makes any sense, but it does to me. I've struggled with hunger for so long. I'm starting to see hunger from a different perspective. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. I think I'll post again tonight when I pass the 72-hour mark!
Today's Music
Brice Avery & The Rocket Summer
Blissfully uplifting sugary rock full of sunbeams and rainbows.
v.5 So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either.
I will not give in to self-pity. I will not give in to fear. I will not feel sorry for myself. I'm on my third day of my fast. This is really hard. I've decided to fast from all food completely for 72 hours. I'm on hour 65 of this fast. What a ride this has been. Call me crazy, but when I'm this ridiculously hungry God's presence has a noticeable effect on my body. I'm mean there's a noticeable difference between working on computer stuff while slowly losing energy and digging into God's word and feeling encouraged. I dunno if that makes any sense, but it does to me. I've struggled with hunger for so long. I'm starting to see hunger from a different perspective. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. I think I'll post again tonight when I pass the 72-hour mark!
Today's Music
Brice Avery & The Rocket Summer
Blissfully uplifting sugary rock full of sunbeams and rainbows.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day Two Devotional
And he is entirely fair and just in this present time when he declares sinners to be right in his sight because they believe in Jesus. (Romans 3:26, NLT)
Being justified by faith, we have peace with God. Conscience accuses no longer. Judgment now decides for the sinner instead of against him. Memory looks back upon past sins, with deep sorrow for the sin, but yet with no dread of any penalty to come; for Christ has paid the debt of his people to the last jot and tittle; no soul for whom Jesus died as a substitute can ever be cast into hell. It seems to be one of the very principles of our enlightened nature to believe that God is just; we feel that it must be so, and this gives us our terror at first; but is it not marvellous that this very same belief that God is just, becomes afterwards the pillar of our confidence and peace! My hope lives not because I am not a sinner, but because I am a sinner for whom Christ died; my trust is not that I am holy, but that being unholy, he is my righteousness. My faith rests not upon what I am, or shall be, or feel, or know, but in what Christ is, in what he has done, and in what he is now doing for me. On the lion of justice the fair maid of hope rides like a queen. (Charles Spurgeon)
Being justified by faith, we have peace with God. Conscience accuses no longer. Judgment now decides for the sinner instead of against him. Memory looks back upon past sins, with deep sorrow for the sin, but yet with no dread of any penalty to come; for Christ has paid the debt of his people to the last jot and tittle; no soul for whom Jesus died as a substitute can ever be cast into hell. It seems to be one of the very principles of our enlightened nature to believe that God is just; we feel that it must be so, and this gives us our terror at first; but is it not marvellous that this very same belief that God is just, becomes afterwards the pillar of our confidence and peace! My hope lives not because I am not a sinner, but because I am a sinner for whom Christ died; my trust is not that I am holy, but that being unholy, he is my righteousness. My faith rests not upon what I am, or shall be, or feel, or know, but in what Christ is, in what he has done, and in what he is now doing for me. On the lion of justice the fair maid of hope rides like a queen. (Charles Spurgeon)
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day Two
Hebrews 11 "Faith"
v.3 By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.
v.4 By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference.
v.33-34 Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies.
May I also suggest turned the spiritual climate of California back toward Godly excellence? I've really enjoyed reading Hebrews. There's so much here that touches my heart in new and deeper ways. So starting with verse three, I'm reminded of Bill Johnson's encouragement to rely solely on God's spoken word. Not just the spoken words in the Bible, but His spoken words over today. God still speaks. Heavenly Father, speak peace over California right now. Lead us into a revival spanning all seven mountains of society. You are Lord over Arts & Entertainment, Business, Family, Religion, Education, Media, and Government. Lord guide California through the seven mountains. We cry out for your hand to lead us into revival in all seven mountains in glory of your name.
I believe that God wants to heal the land of California and bring revival to all seven mountains for his glory. Guide us through this season of expectation and faith.
What do you believe?
Today's Music
Brian and Jenn Johnson "We Believe" - A little closer to home this time. Represent!!
v.3 By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.
v.4 By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference.
v.33-34 Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies.
May I also suggest turned the spiritual climate of California back toward Godly excellence? I've really enjoyed reading Hebrews. There's so much here that touches my heart in new and deeper ways. So starting with verse three, I'm reminded of Bill Johnson's encouragement to rely solely on God's spoken word. Not just the spoken words in the Bible, but His spoken words over today. God still speaks. Heavenly Father, speak peace over California right now. Lead us into a revival spanning all seven mountains of society. You are Lord over Arts & Entertainment, Business, Family, Religion, Education, Media, and Government. Lord guide California through the seven mountains. We cry out for your hand to lead us into revival in all seven mountains in glory of your name.
I believe that God wants to heal the land of California and bring revival to all seven mountains for his glory. Guide us through this season of expectation and faith.
What do you believe?
Today's Music
Brian and Jenn Johnson "We Believe" - A little closer to home this time. Represent!!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day One
Okay day one. I've been fasting for about fourteen hours now. Last night I decided to take Rachel and the kids to the new sushi restaurant in town as kind of a kick-off for the fast. I love food. Food is an addiction for me. I eat any time I am struggling with difficult emotions. Food has a power and control over me that I don't want in my life any more. I'm asking for God to break the power and bondage eating has over me in this forty days. Father, cleanse my body of this sickness. I confess my addiction to eating as an escape from powerful emotions and situations I avoid. I accept your healing anointing on my life and for my body.
Ooh that felt good. :)
Hebrews 10:19 promises me, "So, friends, we can now - without hesitation - walk right up to God, into "the Holy Place." Jesus has cleared the way by the blood of his sacrifice, acting as our priest before God. The "curtain" into God's presence is his body." (The Message)
I cling to that promise right now. I will not hesitate to walk right up to God. I set aside my shame and condemnation. I am not perfect. I don't have all my ducks in a row. I have debt and other outstanding responsibilities. But today I accept God's invitation. I don't want to wait for things to get better before I spend time with my Daddy.
Today's Music
Jason Upton. A great way to start a fast. Jason Upton has an amazing anointing that encourages and challenges me.
Ooh that felt good. :)
Hebrews 10:19 promises me, "So, friends, we can now - without hesitation - walk right up to God, into "the Holy Place." Jesus has cleared the way by the blood of his sacrifice, acting as our priest before God. The "curtain" into God's presence is his body." (The Message)
I cling to that promise right now. I will not hesitate to walk right up to God. I set aside my shame and condemnation. I am not perfect. I don't have all my ducks in a row. I have debt and other outstanding responsibilities. But today I accept God's invitation. I don't want to wait for things to get better before I spend time with my Daddy.
Today's Music
Jason Upton. A great way to start a fast. Jason Upton has an amazing anointing that encourages and challenges me.
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Introduction
I guess maybe a little background before I get started:
Lou Engle came to Bethel a couple weeks ago and spoke about the The Call: San Diego coming up November 1st. The sermon can be downloaded and heard from here. I felt challenged and stirred up in my faith to a very deep level. One of the challenges Lou gave us was joining him in fasting for 40 days leading up to the event. He says,
"Therefore, we are summoning believers from all across the state of California and the nation to gather for a Joel 2 moment. When there is no remedy, when there is no natural hope, God still has a holy prescription. Blow the trumpet in Zion, gather the people, and call a fast. Let the believers of this great state gather and cry out to God believing that California could become the flash point of real change in America not the open door to societal collapse. Let us return to the fasting praying womb in San Diego and seek the face of God on November 1st, 2008 at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, CA." (Website)
So, I've decided to struggle with the challenge and work my way through it.
Lou Engle came to Bethel a couple weeks ago and spoke about the The Call: San Diego coming up November 1st. The sermon can be downloaded and heard from here. I felt challenged and stirred up in my faith to a very deep level. One of the challenges Lou gave us was joining him in fasting for 40 days leading up to the event. He says,
"Therefore, we are summoning believers from all across the state of California and the nation to gather for a Joel 2 moment. When there is no remedy, when there is no natural hope, God still has a holy prescription. Blow the trumpet in Zion, gather the people, and call a fast. Let the believers of this great state gather and cry out to God believing that California could become the flash point of real change in America not the open door to societal collapse. Let us return to the fasting praying womb in San Diego and seek the face of God on November 1st, 2008 at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, CA." (Website)
So, I've decided to struggle with the challenge and work my way through it.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Who I Believe Me to Be
God help me to see me as you see me. Give me the courage to accept the truth about who I am. I confess that I often limit my life to the abilities I've already seen in me. You want me to trust you. I love you and sincerely desire to rely only on you for my self-worth and true value.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
One of my Memorial DVD's made it on the Evening News!!
Yep, that's right. One of the Memorial DVD's I created for my client made it on the channel 12 evening news. How exciting!!!!
Tim joked that I should send a nice letter requesting compensation for the public performance of a copyrighted work. He he. I figure since I fudged and caved in to their request for a popular song to be played instead of the typical licensed elevator music we normally used I should just keep my mouth shut.
Personally, I appreciate the exposure. I understand the economics behind free publicity. So there RIAA. :'P Enjoy!
This post dedicated to Steve Zinn.
Tim joked that I should send a nice letter requesting compensation for the public performance of a copyrighted work. He he. I figure since I fudged and caved in to their request for a popular song to be played instead of the typical licensed elevator music we normally used I should just keep my mouth shut.
Personally, I appreciate the exposure. I understand the economics behind free publicity. So there RIAA. :'P Enjoy!
This post dedicated to Steve Zinn.
Yay for Site for Sore Eyes
I broke my glasses on Saturday. I wasn't terribly bummed out about it because I broke them playing in a jump house which has got to be one of the most fun experiences I've had lately. That plus the fact that they are two years old and it's almost time for new ones! So, I thought, why not move the date up a little and get it done now? I don't have any appts. (or so I thought -- see previous post FMI). So I called around and made an appt. with Wal-Mart for an eye exam. Shasta Professional Association wanted to charge me $150 for an eye exam. I asked her if that included glasses and she laughed at me. He he. Oops. Silly me. So, I paid $55 at Wal-Mart and got my prescription complete with dilated eyes. LOL My left eye is considerably worse than my right eye, but I love them both equally well. When I went to Site for Sore Eyes to take advantage of their $55 credit for existing eye exams with the second pair of frames free, the optician was very nice and helpful. After a few different conversations, she asked to see my broken glasses and said she could prolly fix them for me. So, as I recovered from the sticker shock of eyeglass prices, she fixed my old glasses (better than they've been in a long time, I might add) and sent me on my way for the happily paid fee of $25. Yay Site for Sore Eyes!! So, I'll save up my money and get the best features and options when I can afford it. In the meantime, I can see again!
Grrr to me
I totally screwed up yesterday and forgot my appointment I scheduled with an important client. Grr. I am so disappointed with me. I put the appt in my Outlook calendar, but it didn't sync with Google. So, when I check my appts yesterday morning, it wasn't there. So, I went about my day and didn't think twice about it till I got home and saw the messages on my phone. GRRR...
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Thoughts on Last Night
No doubt about it. I messed up. There's no way around it. Saturday night was not given any fair amount of attention by my heart. I can't even look at it now - I don't trust myself to be honest. What is it about me that finds a morbid satisfaction in your mistakes toward me? Bitterness. Bitterness fuels this satisfaction in your mistakes. Bitterness about what? Discontent. Not being honest with myself and you. I missed out on the last couple days and all the growth and change because I am stuck in the hurt and pain of Saturday night. I haven't moved past Saturday night because I haven't wanted to be honest with you. It doesn't help
Sunday, July 20, 2008
3. Your struggle affects my serenity.
I want ice cream. I have to sum up all the courage and might left in my frail body in order to get this out. Your struggle affects my serenity. I'm not so much caught up in the whole "My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain" thing, but oh dear lord I am frustratingly paralyzed by your struggles. I love serenity. I love that I can have serenity. I love Seinfeld for making it so easy to yell, "Serenity Now!" anytime I need to get back to basics. LMAO. I think my blood pressure's rising again...
Why does your struggle affect my serenity so much?! It's aggravating to me for sure and I'm sure it's aggravating to you too (guilt anyone? Woe is me!!). I have no control over your struggle. I am helpless over your struggle. I want to explore what choices I do have from a biblical/heavenly perspective. In the meantime, I must give up any desire for control over your struggle. Instead, I will be here to support you and encourage you the best way I can.
My serenity is mine to defend or give away. My penchant to blame others for the hurt and pain in my childhood has had far-reaching consequences in my life. I'm thinking maybe my blaming others has affected my strength to maintain my serenity. For how can I take the responsible measures to maintain serenity when I have often given away my strength for the helplessness of a victim?
My serenity is my choice.
Why does your struggle affect my serenity so much?! It's aggravating to me for sure and I'm sure it's aggravating to you too (guilt anyone? Woe is me!!). I have no control over your struggle. I am helpless over your struggle. I want to explore what choices I do have from a biblical/heavenly perspective. In the meantime, I must give up any desire for control over your struggle. Instead, I will be here to support you and encourage you the best way I can.
My serenity is mine to defend or give away. My penchant to blame others for the hurt and pain in my childhood has had far-reaching consequences in my life. I'm thinking maybe my blaming others has affected my strength to maintain my serenity. For how can I take the responsible measures to maintain serenity when I have often given away my strength for the helplessness of a victim?
My serenity is my choice.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Personal: An Old Bruise Comes to Light
R came home tonight from being out with the girls. Totally fun and totally fine. She connected with a friend of hers and felt like they are the better for it. She had a few drinks and smoked a cigarette. To be honest, cigarettes are about the most disgusting thing I've had the displeasure of experiencing. I understand smoking from a sensation standpoint -- I do the same thing with eating. It calms me (or at least distracts & or numbs me enough to get by).
I had a tough evening with the kids. Actually, the kids were amazing and a blast. They are so amazing. I, on the other hand, freaked out and spent the whole evening alternating between avoiding whatever I was feeling and numbing my feelings with junk food. I am proud of myself for avoiding the cookies and cream ice cream though. lol it's the little things that I try to focus on to pick me up.
So, I finally face the ridiculousness of my efforts for the evening and I finally stop. I turned off all the lights and laid on the couch and breathed. There's something amazingly incredible and mysterious that goes on in my body when I finally stop and "turn off". Prolly less than twenty minutes after I laid down, R comes home. She's wanting to bring the party home. I'm trying to sleep. And yes, on the couch. Well, she comes in and lays next to me on the couch. I can smell the alcohol and stale cigarettes. At first, I'm annoyed. I realize that it's her choice and I neither can nor want to control her actions. If she smoked regularly, she would prolly grow tired of me never kissing her fairly quickly. Instead, I asked how her evening went and found out everything went great. I started to fall asleep as she finished talking and garnered a gentle shove and a playful "wake up!" from a fully awake R. I told her directly that I was planning to go to the first church service in the morning. She started whining playfully and I started to feel tense and frustrated.
Why?
After we sorted it all out, I realized that I felt ignored when I told her what I needed. When she kept pressuring me to give her what she wanted, I started to brace for her frustration and anger. As I stopped reacting and looked at the situation, I started to wonder how I had gotten here in the first place. I mean, who controlled me by opening up a can of emotional whoop-ass when I said no? Why am I so scared of incurring the wrath of someone else's emotional terrorism? I realize now that I felt powerless. Really, I was being manipulated. By R? No. At least not yet. Eventually, I know that R might have seen it, but last night was not the case. Why? Because she helped me figure all this out. We compromised and did the best we could. We spent a little time together and we fell asleep holding hands. It wasn't what she wanted, but it was what I could give her. Maybe someday she will see me more than she sees her needs. It's not for me to be her saviour.
I am learning to be honest in my relationships. Every day, I'm learning how to say what I want, what I need, and maintain the boundaries I need to live a healthy and joy-filled life.
I am Michael and I am CoDependent.
I had a tough evening with the kids. Actually, the kids were amazing and a blast. They are so amazing. I, on the other hand, freaked out and spent the whole evening alternating between avoiding whatever I was feeling and numbing my feelings with junk food. I am proud of myself for avoiding the cookies and cream ice cream though. lol it's the little things that I try to focus on to pick me up.
So, I finally face the ridiculousness of my efforts for the evening and I finally stop. I turned off all the lights and laid on the couch and breathed. There's something amazingly incredible and mysterious that goes on in my body when I finally stop and "turn off". Prolly less than twenty minutes after I laid down, R comes home. She's wanting to bring the party home. I'm trying to sleep. And yes, on the couch. Well, she comes in and lays next to me on the couch. I can smell the alcohol and stale cigarettes. At first, I'm annoyed. I realize that it's her choice and I neither can nor want to control her actions. If she smoked regularly, she would prolly grow tired of me never kissing her fairly quickly. Instead, I asked how her evening went and found out everything went great. I started to fall asleep as she finished talking and garnered a gentle shove and a playful "wake up!" from a fully awake R. I told her directly that I was planning to go to the first church service in the morning. She started whining playfully and I started to feel tense and frustrated.
Why?
After we sorted it all out, I realized that I felt ignored when I told her what I needed. When she kept pressuring me to give her what she wanted, I started to brace for her frustration and anger. As I stopped reacting and looked at the situation, I started to wonder how I had gotten here in the first place. I mean, who controlled me by opening up a can of emotional whoop-ass when I said no? Why am I so scared of incurring the wrath of someone else's emotional terrorism? I realize now that I felt powerless. Really, I was being manipulated. By R? No. At least not yet. Eventually, I know that R might have seen it, but last night was not the case. Why? Because she helped me figure all this out. We compromised and did the best we could. We spent a little time together and we fell asleep holding hands. It wasn't what she wanted, but it was what I could give her. Maybe someday she will see me more than she sees her needs. It's not for me to be her saviour.
I am learning to be honest in my relationships. Every day, I'm learning how to say what I want, what I need, and maintain the boundaries I need to live a healthy and joy-filled life.
I am Michael and I am CoDependent.
Jason Upton - Dying Star (Dying Star album)
You've got your best man on the front side
You always show your best side
And evil's always on the other side
You say this is your strategy
But son I hope you take it from me
You look just like your enemy
You're full of pride
We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord
And the greatest idol is you and me,
We better get on the threshing floor
When will we learn that God's strategy
Is giving glory to the Lord?
We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord
Star how beautiful you shine
You shine more beautiful than mine
You shine from sea to shining sea
World-wide is your strategy
But shinning star I hope you see
If the whole wide world is staring straight at you
They can't see me...
Personal: Sore Spots in my Psyche
Alright. So, what's been bothering me lately? Too much. It's all stuck in my psyche and bringing me down. I haven't ever let myself be honest about what's bothering me. I dunno. I've never allowed myself to not like something -- to have an opinion or preference that might lead to the disapproval of others. GASP! I would never say or do anything that someone might disapprove of. My world would come crashing down.
So in an effort to be especially candid and forthright (not like anyone reads this). I'll just...shout. shout. and let it all out (wow, that's actually a pretty sad song!).
Watch out -- this could get ugly.
I'm fat. Not just chubby. Fat. My whole life. Have I been able to lose the weight? Nope. Guilt and shame bring it on!
My business. It could be something wonderful. Where's the time? I have read a little of "E-Myth" and it has shed some light on why I might have a hard time working on my business instead of just for it.
I need to pay my car's registration. Last year, I paid it six months late lol. Not good.
Why is it so hard for me to tend to my life? It's like that weird circumstance where it's easy to clean someone else's house, but keeping mine clean?! Yeah Right! ok, so maybe it's just me on that one. But seriously (hey...maybe THAT'S my problem! lol) I'm controlling. I feel productive improving your life -- but in reality you had to do the hard work, I was just bossy. I was thinking about the whole plankeye thing the other night. It's awfully easy to condemn and control you for the speck of dust in your own eye when I've neglected the plank in my own eye. My sister used to say, "Your shit stinks just like the rest of us." lol she was so right. This is prolly the biggest frustration in my life right now. I can admit that my life has become unmanageable, but still giving up control is a whole different matter.
Meditation. Here's a big, fat "SHOULD" hanging over my head. Guilt, shame, condemnation. Good lord. Beating myself up for avoiding spending time with my Daddy. I'm sure He doesn't have anything to do with my beating myself up. He loves me. I forget that. What's it like for my Daddy to love me so much he just wants to be around me? I wish I knew.
So in an effort to be especially candid and forthright (not like anyone reads this). I'll just...shout. shout. and let it all out (wow, that's actually a pretty sad song!).
Watch out -- this could get ugly.
I'm fat. Not just chubby. Fat. My whole life. Have I been able to lose the weight? Nope. Guilt and shame bring it on!
My business. It could be something wonderful. Where's the time? I have read a little of "E-Myth" and it has shed some light on why I might have a hard time working on my business instead of just for it.
I need to pay my car's registration. Last year, I paid it six months late lol. Not good.
Why is it so hard for me to tend to my life? It's like that weird circumstance where it's easy to clean someone else's house, but keeping mine clean?! Yeah Right! ok, so maybe it's just me on that one. But seriously (hey...maybe THAT'S my problem! lol) I'm controlling. I feel productive improving your life -- but in reality you had to do the hard work, I was just bossy. I was thinking about the whole plankeye thing the other night. It's awfully easy to condemn and control you for the speck of dust in your own eye when I've neglected the plank in my own eye. My sister used to say, "Your shit stinks just like the rest of us." lol she was so right. This is prolly the biggest frustration in my life right now. I can admit that my life has become unmanageable, but still giving up control is a whole different matter.
Meditation. Here's a big, fat "SHOULD" hanging over my head. Guilt, shame, condemnation. Good lord. Beating myself up for avoiding spending time with my Daddy. I'm sure He doesn't have anything to do with my beating myself up. He loves me. I forget that. What's it like for my Daddy to love me so much he just wants to be around me? I wish I knew.
CoDA: Step One
THE TWELVE STEPS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become
unmanageable.
CoDependency: 12 Steps to Freedom
THE TWELVE STEPS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become
unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as
we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends
to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so
would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact
with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried
to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these
principles in all our affairs.
As politely borrowed from http://www.recovery.org/coda/coda.more.txt .
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
What is CoDependency? Here's What I've Faced:
Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.
- My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
- My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
- Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
- My mental attention is focused on you
- My mental attention is focused on protecting you
- My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
- My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
- My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
- My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
- Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
- Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
- I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
- I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
- The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
- My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
- My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
- I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
- My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
- I put my values aside in order to connect with you
- I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
- The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours
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