3. Your struggle affects my serenity.

I want ice cream. I have to sum up all the courage and might left in my frail body in order to get this out. Your struggle affects my serenity. I'm not so much caught up in the whole "My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain" thing, but oh dear lord I am frustratingly paralyzed by your struggles. I love serenity. I love that I can have serenity. I love Seinfeld for making it so easy to yell, "Serenity Now!" anytime I need to get back to basics. LMAO. I think my blood pressure's rising again...

Why does your struggle affect my serenity so much?! It's aggravating to me for sure and I'm sure it's aggravating to you too (guilt anyone? Woe is me!!). I have no control over your struggle. I am helpless over your struggle. I want to explore what choices I do have from a biblical/heavenly perspective. In the meantime, I must give up any desire for control over your struggle. Instead, I will be here to support you and encourage you the best way I can.

My serenity is mine to defend or give away. My penchant to blame others for the hurt and pain in my childhood has had far-reaching consequences in my life. I'm thinking maybe my blaming others has affected my strength to maintain my serenity. For how can I take the responsible measures to maintain serenity when I have often given away my strength for the helplessness of a victim?

My serenity is my choice.

Personal: An Old Bruise Comes to Light

R came home tonight from being out with the girls. Totally fun and totally fine. She connected with a friend of hers and felt like they are the better for it. She had a few drinks and smoked a cigarette. To be honest, cigarettes are about the most disgusting thing I've had the displeasure of experiencing. I understand smoking from a sensation standpoint -- I do the same thing with eating. It calms me (or at least distracts & or numbs me enough to get by).

I had a tough evening with the kids. Actually, the kids were amazing and a blast. They are so amazing. I, on the other hand, freaked out and spent the whole evening alternating between avoiding whatever I was feeling and numbing my feelings with junk food. I am proud of myself for avoiding the cookies and cream ice cream though. lol it's the little things that I try to focus on to pick me up.

So, I finally face the ridiculousness of my efforts for the evening and I finally stop. I turned off all the lights and laid on the couch and breathed. There's something amazingly incredible and mysterious that goes on in my body when I finally stop and "turn off". Prolly less than twenty minutes after I laid down, R comes home. She's wanting to bring the party home. I'm trying to sleep. And yes, on the couch. Well, she comes in and lays next to me on the couch. I can smell the alcohol and stale cigarettes. At first, I'm annoyed. I realize that it's her choice and I neither can nor want to control her actions. If she smoked regularly, she would prolly grow tired of me never kissing her fairly quickly. Instead, I asked how her evening went and found out everything went great. I started to fall asleep as she finished talking and garnered a gentle shove and a playful "wake up!" from a fully awake R. I told her directly that I was planning to go to the first church service in the morning. She started whining playfully and I started to feel tense and frustrated.

Why?

After we sorted it all out, I realized that I felt ignored when I told her what I needed. When she kept pressuring me to give her what she wanted, I started to brace for her frustration and anger. As I stopped reacting and looked at the situation, I started to wonder how I had gotten here in the first place. I mean, who controlled me by opening up a can of emotional whoop-ass when I said no? Why am I so scared of incurring the wrath of someone else's emotional terrorism? I realize now that I felt powerless. Really, I was being manipulated. By R? No. At least not yet. Eventually, I know that R might have seen it, but last night was not the case. Why? Because she helped me figure all this out. We compromised and did the best we could. We spent a little time together and we fell asleep holding hands. It wasn't what she wanted, but it was what I could give her. Maybe someday she will see me more than she sees her needs. It's not for me to be her saviour.

I am learning to be honest in my relationships. Every day, I'm learning how to say what I want, what I need, and maintain the boundaries I need to live a healthy and joy-filled life.

I am Michael and I am CoDependent.

Jason Upton - Dying Star (Dying Star album)

You've got your best man on the front side
You always show your best side
And evil's always on the other side
You say this is your strategy
But son I hope you take it from me
You look just like your enemy
You're full of pride
We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord
And the greatest idol is you and me,
We better get on the threshing floor
When will we learn that God's strategy
Is giving glory to the Lord?
We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord

Star how beautiful you shine
You shine more beautiful than mine
You shine from sea to shining sea
World-wide is your strategy
But shinning star I hope you see
If the whole wide world is staring straight at you
They can't see me...

Personal: Sore Spots in my Psyche

Alright. So, what's been bothering me lately? Too much. It's all stuck in my psyche and bringing me down. I haven't ever let myself be honest about what's bothering me. I dunno. I've never allowed myself to not like something -- to have an opinion or preference that might lead to the disapproval of others. GASP! I would never say or do anything that someone might disapprove of. My world would come crashing down.

So in an effort to be especially candid and forthright (not like anyone reads this). I'll just...shout. shout. and let it all out (wow, that's actually a pretty sad song!).

Watch out -- this could get ugly.

I'm fat. Not just chubby. Fat. My whole life. Have I been able to lose the weight? Nope. Guilt and shame bring it on!

My business. It could be something wonderful. Where's the time? I have read a little of "E-Myth" and it has shed some light on why I might have a hard time working on my business instead of just for it.

I need to pay my car's registration. Last year, I paid it six months late lol. Not good.

Why is it so hard for me to tend to my life? It's like that weird circumstance where it's easy to clean someone else's house, but keeping mine clean?! Yeah Right! ok, so maybe it's just me on that one. But seriously (hey...maybe THAT'S my problem! lol) I'm controlling. I feel productive improving your life -- but in reality you had to do the hard work, I was just bossy. I was thinking about the whole plankeye thing the other night. It's awfully easy to condemn and control you for the speck of dust in your own eye when I've neglected the plank in my own eye. My sister used to say, "Your shit stinks just like the rest of us." lol she was so right. This is prolly the biggest frustration in my life right now. I can admit that my life has become unmanageable, but still giving up control is a whole different matter.

Meditation. Here's a big, fat "SHOULD" hanging over my head. Guilt, shame, condemnation. Good lord. Beating myself up for avoiding spending time with my Daddy. I'm sure He doesn't have anything to do with my beating myself up. He loves me. I forget that. What's it like for my Daddy to love me so much he just wants to be around me? I wish I knew.

Question as posed by my sponsor:

What do you want out of CoDA?

CoDA: Step One

THE TWELVE STEPS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS
 
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become 
unmanageable.

CoDependency: 12 Steps to Freedom

THE TWELVE STEPS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become
unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as
we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends
to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so
would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact
with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried
to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these
principles in all our affairs.

As politely borrowed from http://www.recovery.org/coda/coda.more.txt .

What is CoDependency? Here's What I've Faced:

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
4. My mental attention is focused on you
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
11. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

As borrowed from http://www.winternet.com/~terrym/codependency.html .