Hidden, unfelt, unconfessed iniquity is the true leprosy, but when sin is seen and felt it has received its death blow, and the Lord looks with eyes of mercy upon the soul afflicted with it. ~ Charles Spurgeon
It's time to be honest and let go of this resistance. I am SO resistant to God's control over my life. I'm not proud of it. It's like living with the same person for twenty years. Never marrying. Never committing to any specific future together -- just living together. It works, but it's not overwhelmingly satisfying. Just nice. Whatever. My resistance is such a close friend. How can I just kick him out now?!
It's just a little leaven...he he.
Ok. So today has been a tough day for my struggle with initiative. I wavered all day between idleness and rest. Idleness has accrued the bulk of hours, but I'm here to confess iniquity and receive Mercy. Why is this so difficult? Partly due to inexperience in spending time with God both meaningfully and consistently. He is my only hope for living well. When I run back to him, the fog lifts and I feel light rush back into my soul. I love my life. I love what He's teaching me. I love that I spent three days setting aside food for time with Him. I learned so much about hunger and my body. I learned about discipline and control. I learned about my strength and commitment. In many ways, not eating was easier than dieting.
I've transitioned back to food for now, but I've committed to only eating fruits and vegetables. This has raised some interesting observations. When I wasn't eating, I understood my hunger as a necessary result of not eating. This seems rational enough. I'm eating now and I still feel hungry a lot of the time. Rabbit food just doesn't sit in my stomach the same way as meats and starches do. So, I eat and my body is fine, but emotionally some particular button is still not being pressed. Meaning: I'm full, but where's the food high I'm so used to?! So, I'm quickly growing more nervous as I realize that my food is feeding my body, but my soul is not numbed or deadened by the food. Ha ha ha. Have you tried binging on carrots and celery?! It's like avoiding my responsibilities by talking to someone who won't indulge and enable my procrastination. I don't get my strokes anymore :( So, I think I may have tried to binge on a salad this morning, but it did not have the intended effect on me. So, the numbing never kicked in and I moved on to other distractions (just surfing the Internet here at work). So, it's four o'clock in the afternoon and I've accomplished just about nothing. If I hadn't returned all my phone calls I'd be in the doghouse, so I'll cut me some slack. Not a whole lot of progress though.
So, I'll blog the rest of the day away and return for more tomorrow ;)
Okay, so I just played my trump card. I'm officially dis-involved with the alternative energy company courting me. I just called and spoke to the head guy and he requested I send him an email. It's sent and I'm done. Which leads me to the next bit of news...
I've tentatively decided to possibily establish a commission to look into going back to school to finish my teaching credential. I tried once before and royally bolluxed the whole bit. I'm still paying for it and then some. But, this is big news for me. I'm officially considering education again. I left education severely wounded by ridiculous overreactions to my immature mistakes. The door was closed on me and I walked away battered and bruised. It's been a couple years and I've decided that this one experience cannot steal away and deny me the joy and passion I have for teaching. 'Nuff said.
So, it won't happen quickly. It won't be rushed. At this point, I will start making plans to complete my credential through Simpson University. I will shoot for starting next fall and finish two years after that. All said, I may be teaching again by the fall of 2011. Hmm. Sounds good. It feels good being able to plan something that far in advance. I'm proud of myself for seeing the healthiness and value in taking this slowly. Yay!
Today's Music:
Hard Christian Music - Early Tourniquet, Living Sacrifice, P.O.D., Project 86, Bloodshed (YEAH!!)
This was long overdue. Having this new life of maturity and growth has asked me to shelf my love for hard music, but I've rediscovered it today. Personal favorites:
"Coming Back" P.O.D.
"The Scarlet Letter" Bloodshed
"Threshold" Stavesacre
"You Get What You Pray For" Tourniquet
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day Three
Hebrews 12
v.5 So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either.
I will not give in to self-pity. I will not give in to fear. I will not feel sorry for myself. I'm on my third day of my fast. This is really hard. I've decided to fast from all food completely for 72 hours. I'm on hour 65 of this fast. What a ride this has been. Call me crazy, but when I'm this ridiculously hungry God's presence has a noticeable effect on my body. I'm mean there's a noticeable difference between working on computer stuff while slowly losing energy and digging into God's word and feeling encouraged. I dunno if that makes any sense, but it does to me. I've struggled with hunger for so long. I'm starting to see hunger from a different perspective. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. I think I'll post again tonight when I pass the 72-hour mark!
Today's Music
Brice Avery & The Rocket Summer
Blissfully uplifting sugary rock full of sunbeams and rainbows.
v.5 So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either.
I will not give in to self-pity. I will not give in to fear. I will not feel sorry for myself. I'm on my third day of my fast. This is really hard. I've decided to fast from all food completely for 72 hours. I'm on hour 65 of this fast. What a ride this has been. Call me crazy, but when I'm this ridiculously hungry God's presence has a noticeable effect on my body. I'm mean there's a noticeable difference between working on computer stuff while slowly losing energy and digging into God's word and feeling encouraged. I dunno if that makes any sense, but it does to me. I've struggled with hunger for so long. I'm starting to see hunger from a different perspective. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. I think I'll post again tonight when I pass the 72-hour mark!
Today's Music
Brice Avery & The Rocket Summer
Blissfully uplifting sugary rock full of sunbeams and rainbows.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day Two Devotional
And he is entirely fair and just in this present time when he declares sinners to be right in his sight because they believe in Jesus. (Romans 3:26, NLT)
Being justified by faith, we have peace with God. Conscience accuses no longer. Judgment now decides for the sinner instead of against him. Memory looks back upon past sins, with deep sorrow for the sin, but yet with no dread of any penalty to come; for Christ has paid the debt of his people to the last jot and tittle; no soul for whom Jesus died as a substitute can ever be cast into hell. It seems to be one of the very principles of our enlightened nature to believe that God is just; we feel that it must be so, and this gives us our terror at first; but is it not marvellous that this very same belief that God is just, becomes afterwards the pillar of our confidence and peace! My hope lives not because I am not a sinner, but because I am a sinner for whom Christ died; my trust is not that I am holy, but that being unholy, he is my righteousness. My faith rests not upon what I am, or shall be, or feel, or know, but in what Christ is, in what he has done, and in what he is now doing for me. On the lion of justice the fair maid of hope rides like a queen. (Charles Spurgeon)
Being justified by faith, we have peace with God. Conscience accuses no longer. Judgment now decides for the sinner instead of against him. Memory looks back upon past sins, with deep sorrow for the sin, but yet with no dread of any penalty to come; for Christ has paid the debt of his people to the last jot and tittle; no soul for whom Jesus died as a substitute can ever be cast into hell. It seems to be one of the very principles of our enlightened nature to believe that God is just; we feel that it must be so, and this gives us our terror at first; but is it not marvellous that this very same belief that God is just, becomes afterwards the pillar of our confidence and peace! My hope lives not because I am not a sinner, but because I am a sinner for whom Christ died; my trust is not that I am holy, but that being unholy, he is my righteousness. My faith rests not upon what I am, or shall be, or feel, or know, but in what Christ is, in what he has done, and in what he is now doing for me. On the lion of justice the fair maid of hope rides like a queen. (Charles Spurgeon)
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day Two
Hebrews 11 "Faith"
v.3 By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.
v.4 By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference.
v.33-34 Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies.
May I also suggest turned the spiritual climate of California back toward Godly excellence? I've really enjoyed reading Hebrews. There's so much here that touches my heart in new and deeper ways. So starting with verse three, I'm reminded of Bill Johnson's encouragement to rely solely on God's spoken word. Not just the spoken words in the Bible, but His spoken words over today. God still speaks. Heavenly Father, speak peace over California right now. Lead us into a revival spanning all seven mountains of society. You are Lord over Arts & Entertainment, Business, Family, Religion, Education, Media, and Government. Lord guide California through the seven mountains. We cry out for your hand to lead us into revival in all seven mountains in glory of your name.
I believe that God wants to heal the land of California and bring revival to all seven mountains for his glory. Guide us through this season of expectation and faith.
What do you believe?
Today's Music
Brian and Jenn Johnson "We Believe" - A little closer to home this time. Represent!!
v.3 By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.
v.4 By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference.
v.33-34 Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies.
May I also suggest turned the spiritual climate of California back toward Godly excellence? I've really enjoyed reading Hebrews. There's so much here that touches my heart in new and deeper ways. So starting with verse three, I'm reminded of Bill Johnson's encouragement to rely solely on God's spoken word. Not just the spoken words in the Bible, but His spoken words over today. God still speaks. Heavenly Father, speak peace over California right now. Lead us into a revival spanning all seven mountains of society. You are Lord over Arts & Entertainment, Business, Family, Religion, Education, Media, and Government. Lord guide California through the seven mountains. We cry out for your hand to lead us into revival in all seven mountains in glory of your name.
I believe that God wants to heal the land of California and bring revival to all seven mountains for his glory. Guide us through this season of expectation and faith.
What do you believe?
Today's Music
Brian and Jenn Johnson "We Believe" - A little closer to home this time. Represent!!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day One
Okay day one. I've been fasting for about fourteen hours now. Last night I decided to take Rachel and the kids to the new sushi restaurant in town as kind of a kick-off for the fast. I love food. Food is an addiction for me. I eat any time I am struggling with difficult emotions. Food has a power and control over me that I don't want in my life any more. I'm asking for God to break the power and bondage eating has over me in this forty days. Father, cleanse my body of this sickness. I confess my addiction to eating as an escape from powerful emotions and situations I avoid. I accept your healing anointing on my life and for my body.
Ooh that felt good. :)
Hebrews 10:19 promises me, "So, friends, we can now - without hesitation - walk right up to God, into "the Holy Place." Jesus has cleared the way by the blood of his sacrifice, acting as our priest before God. The "curtain" into God's presence is his body." (The Message)
I cling to that promise right now. I will not hesitate to walk right up to God. I set aside my shame and condemnation. I am not perfect. I don't have all my ducks in a row. I have debt and other outstanding responsibilities. But today I accept God's invitation. I don't want to wait for things to get better before I spend time with my Daddy.
Today's Music
Jason Upton. A great way to start a fast. Jason Upton has an amazing anointing that encourages and challenges me.
Ooh that felt good. :)
Hebrews 10:19 promises me, "So, friends, we can now - without hesitation - walk right up to God, into "the Holy Place." Jesus has cleared the way by the blood of his sacrifice, acting as our priest before God. The "curtain" into God's presence is his body." (The Message)
I cling to that promise right now. I will not hesitate to walk right up to God. I set aside my shame and condemnation. I am not perfect. I don't have all my ducks in a row. I have debt and other outstanding responsibilities. But today I accept God's invitation. I don't want to wait for things to get better before I spend time with my Daddy.
Today's Music
Jason Upton. A great way to start a fast. Jason Upton has an amazing anointing that encourages and challenges me.
The Call: 40 Day Fast - Introduction
I guess maybe a little background before I get started:
Lou Engle came to Bethel a couple weeks ago and spoke about the The Call: San Diego coming up November 1st. The sermon can be downloaded and heard from here. I felt challenged and stirred up in my faith to a very deep level. One of the challenges Lou gave us was joining him in fasting for 40 days leading up to the event. He says,
"Therefore, we are summoning believers from all across the state of California and the nation to gather for a Joel 2 moment. When there is no remedy, when there is no natural hope, God still has a holy prescription. Blow the trumpet in Zion, gather the people, and call a fast. Let the believers of this great state gather and cry out to God believing that California could become the flash point of real change in America not the open door to societal collapse. Let us return to the fasting praying womb in San Diego and seek the face of God on November 1st, 2008 at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, CA." (Website)
So, I've decided to struggle with the challenge and work my way through it.
Lou Engle came to Bethel a couple weeks ago and spoke about the The Call: San Diego coming up November 1st. The sermon can be downloaded and heard from here. I felt challenged and stirred up in my faith to a very deep level. One of the challenges Lou gave us was joining him in fasting for 40 days leading up to the event. He says,
"Therefore, we are summoning believers from all across the state of California and the nation to gather for a Joel 2 moment. When there is no remedy, when there is no natural hope, God still has a holy prescription. Blow the trumpet in Zion, gather the people, and call a fast. Let the believers of this great state gather and cry out to God believing that California could become the flash point of real change in America not the open door to societal collapse. Let us return to the fasting praying womb in San Diego and seek the face of God on November 1st, 2008 at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, CA." (Website)
So, I've decided to struggle with the challenge and work my way through it.
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