Personal: An Old Bruise Comes to Light

R came home tonight from being out with the girls. Totally fun and totally fine. She connected with a friend of hers and felt like they are the better for it. She had a few drinks and smoked a cigarette. To be honest, cigarettes are about the most disgusting thing I've had the displeasure of experiencing. I understand smoking from a sensation standpoint -- I do the same thing with eating. It calms me (or at least distracts & or numbs me enough to get by).

I had a tough evening with the kids. Actually, the kids were amazing and a blast. They are so amazing. I, on the other hand, freaked out and spent the whole evening alternating between avoiding whatever I was feeling and numbing my feelings with junk food. I am proud of myself for avoiding the cookies and cream ice cream though. lol it's the little things that I try to focus on to pick me up.

So, I finally face the ridiculousness of my efforts for the evening and I finally stop. I turned off all the lights and laid on the couch and breathed. There's something amazingly incredible and mysterious that goes on in my body when I finally stop and "turn off". Prolly less than twenty minutes after I laid down, R comes home. She's wanting to bring the party home. I'm trying to sleep. And yes, on the couch. Well, she comes in and lays next to me on the couch. I can smell the alcohol and stale cigarettes. At first, I'm annoyed. I realize that it's her choice and I neither can nor want to control her actions. If she smoked regularly, she would prolly grow tired of me never kissing her fairly quickly. Instead, I asked how her evening went and found out everything went great. I started to fall asleep as she finished talking and garnered a gentle shove and a playful "wake up!" from a fully awake R. I told her directly that I was planning to go to the first church service in the morning. She started whining playfully and I started to feel tense and frustrated.

Why?

After we sorted it all out, I realized that I felt ignored when I told her what I needed. When she kept pressuring me to give her what she wanted, I started to brace for her frustration and anger. As I stopped reacting and looked at the situation, I started to wonder how I had gotten here in the first place. I mean, who controlled me by opening up a can of emotional whoop-ass when I said no? Why am I so scared of incurring the wrath of someone else's emotional terrorism? I realize now that I felt powerless. Really, I was being manipulated. By R? No. At least not yet. Eventually, I know that R might have seen it, but last night was not the case. Why? Because she helped me figure all this out. We compromised and did the best we could. We spent a little time together and we fell asleep holding hands. It wasn't what she wanted, but it was what I could give her. Maybe someday she will see me more than she sees her needs. It's not for me to be her saviour.

I am learning to be honest in my relationships. Every day, I'm learning how to say what I want, what I need, and maintain the boundaries I need to live a healthy and joy-filled life.

I am Michael and I am CoDependent.