Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.
- My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
- My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
- Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
- My mental attention is focused on you
- My mental attention is focused on protecting you
- My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
- My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
- My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
- My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
- Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
- Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
- I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
- I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
- The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
- My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
- My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
- I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
- My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
- I put my values aside in order to connect with you
- I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
- The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours
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I have been struggling with the whole "mental attention" issue. It is so incredibly difficult to stay focused on me when I'm around the people I want to be around. I just go into "people mode" and focus on them. I've thought about it and surmise that it's a defensive mechanism because I've tried so hard for such a long time to stay one step ahead. No surprises. Well, at least to minimize the surprises. I've been deathly afraid of being hurt. Not so much anymore, but the habit often remains. "It's ALIVE!"
Why is it so hard for me to focus on me? Low self esteem maybe? Yeah. When my dad walked out, I pretty much died inside. It hurt so bad. Here I am many years later (16 years), and I still haven't dealt with the hurt and pain. That was a huge blow to my heart. I loved my daddy as only a boy could. So, I face the reality that I'm broken. Years don't erase the pain or soften the blow of rejection every time memories surface. I've been running ever since.
Healthiness. My mind keeps wondering about those kids who grow up in relatively safe homes -- not perfect -- but safe nonetheless. Do they face the world with a wholeness? With a solid core through their strong, healthy connection to their family. Is this possible? Does it happen? Am I just dreaming? I don't think so.
I'm faced with a crippling realization that I have yet to truly face the world. I am honestly just trying to survive. I spent the first twelve years after the abrupt end of my childhood chasing the wind -- just trying to stay distracted enough to pretend I wasn't hurt and scared.
So, here I am a few years into the next twelve years and I'm just floating. No longer thrashing about in fear and panic (at least not most of the time) but now restless and adrift. Dear Lord, I'm restless and adrift. I've forgotten myself. My friend Anna romanticizes the long walks alone and peaceful nights alone (with her trusty sidekick Boone that is) but I've yet to discover such a place.
Actually, that's not entirely true. I found myself at Bethel Church on Monday morning. Coupled with an emotional hangover from going to bed angry and frustrated, I found myself in the prayer chapel with a vague hope that maybe something would break loose over me. Well, I started in a chair for all of ten minutes but quickly melted to the carpet as my body kept relaxing. My mind was in typical form though. All the shoulds trying to lock me up -- I should be returning phone calls, I should be working on my projects, I should be responsible. As I melted into the carpet, I felt a protection around me keeping the thoughts from seizing control -- a lot like being able to walk right past that intimidating bully who always terrorizes me on the playground because I'm with my Daddy. He protects me. He makes me FEEL safe. I felt safe as I lost consciousness in the Bethel prayer chapel. Three hours later, I was late to pick up the kids from daycamp. Unfortunately, I had to kick back into gear so fast, that I haven't quite realized how special this experience was until now. Instead of just analyzing what was, I have to remind myself that I can experience it again. My Daddy has more for me. He wants me to feel safe in His presence. I'm valuable to Him.
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