The Call: 40 Day Fast - Day Nine

“The hope which is laid up for you in heaven.” ~ Colossians 1:5

"...let it never be said of us, that we are dreaming about the future and forgetting the present, let the future sanctify the present to highest uses. Through the Spirit of God the hope of heaven is the most potent force for the product of virtue. . . .The man who has this hope in him goes about his work with vigour, for the joy of the Lord is his strength. He fights against temptation with ardour, for the hope of the next world repels the fiery darts of the adversary. He can labour without present reward, for he looks for a reward in the world to come." ~ Charles Spurgeon

It's been a tough week. Ok, maybe not completely, but I guess I'm a pretty big wuss when it comes to difficult situations. Twice this week, I was faced with problems that I couldn't overcome. As in, I had a goal and every course of action and re-adjustment I made ended in frustration and failure. This morning, I didn't just hit roadblocks (like the other day). Nope. I broke a $350 piece of equipment because I didn't back off and walk away when I was clearly in over my head. I just kept going at it - muttering to myself, "I should be able to do this..." Oh dear Lord in heaven above, please forgive me for this stubborn streak parading through the main street of my heart. I'm learning an important lesson. I know, I know. But what a painful way to learn. This really hurts. It all hurts my pride. Oh well. So be it.

So, with a wounded pride, I must take a few minutes to get some thoughts down before my next appointment in a couple minutes.

My sponsor for CoDA flexed his sponsorship priviledges with me yesterday. I brought snacks to the meeting this last Monday evening. It was not thought out. In my mind, this is standard procedure. Well, Scott was inspired to speak out concerning this pattern. He questioned the act, but this is what I've taken away from his concern. Upon thinking it through, I may have still gone through with it, but under different motives. He's right in that I manipulated the situation for my benefit. A possibly minor distinction for most people, but a significant one as far as being healthy instead of codependent is concerned. Yay. I understand! So, I confess that I manipulated the situation for my own benefit. Altruism is important to me, but not within the context of feigned ignorance.

In a different conversation with a different person on a different day in a different place, I was challenged to consider another difficult observation. It's difficult to accept constructive criticism on such a regular basis, but I'm learning! My relationship with Rachel has grown and blossomed. In the beginning of our relationship, I made quite a few mistakes. I hurt her deeply with my fear of intimacy and commitment and a slew of other issues. Well, that's when I started attending CoDA and seeking healing from my relationship wounds (among other wounds ). We took some time off and started the healing process. Well, along the way, we started talking again and I shared with her my commitment to seek healing and growth for my life. I was scared still in letting her into my life, but I told her if she understood my commitment, I would love to have her in my life. I made a commitment to focus on my healing and growth for one year. I told her if she wanted to be a part of that process, I would absolutely love for her to walk with me. We struggled. I struggled. Many arguments, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and tears later I was challenged to look at my heart again. Somewhere along the way, my one-year commitment stopped being the scary, risky encounter and started becoming a shield from a deeper relationship with her. Hmm. What I learned today is that I created this goal of one year with deep significant meaning and purpose (which it had when I started) which is good but needs to be in a larger context of goals layered together toward an even deeper significant meaning and purpose.

In my mind, it's like the high percentage of pastors who leave after their church finally moves into their new building. It becomes the highest goal. What happens next? So, I am challenging myself in so many areas to live with purpose and direction. God's purpose and direction. If I forget the distinction, I'm sure I'll see more opportunities to fail miserably and wonder why I can't seem to do what I think I SHOULD be able to do. It all goes downhill from there.



Today's Music:
The Rocket Summer - I need the pick-me-up. :)