Hidden, unfelt, unconfessed iniquity is the true leprosy, but when sin is seen and felt it has received its death blow, and the Lord looks with eyes of mercy upon the soul afflicted with it. ~ Charles Spurgeon
It's time to be honest and let go of this resistance. I am SO resistant to God's control over my life. I'm not proud of it. It's like living with the same person for twenty years. Never marrying. Never committing to any specific future together -- just living together. It works, but it's not overwhelmingly satisfying. Just nice. Whatever. My resistance is such a close friend. How can I just kick him out now?!
It's just a little leaven...he he.
Ok. So today has been a tough day for my struggle with initiative. I wavered all day between idleness and rest. Idleness has accrued the bulk of hours, but I'm here to confess iniquity and receive Mercy. Why is this so difficult? Partly due to inexperience in spending time with God both meaningfully and consistently. He is my only hope for living well. When I run back to him, the fog lifts and I feel light rush back into my soul. I love my life. I love what He's teaching me. I love that I spent three days setting aside food for time with Him. I learned so much about hunger and my body. I learned about discipline and control. I learned about my strength and commitment. In many ways, not eating was easier than dieting.
I've transitioned back to food for now, but I've committed to only eating fruits and vegetables. This has raised some interesting observations. When I wasn't eating, I understood my hunger as a necessary result of not eating. This seems rational enough. I'm eating now and I still feel hungry a lot of the time. Rabbit food just doesn't sit in my stomach the same way as meats and starches do. So, I eat and my body is fine, but emotionally some particular button is still not being pressed. Meaning: I'm full, but where's the food high I'm so used to?! So, I'm quickly growing more nervous as I realize that my food is feeding my body, but my soul is not numbed or deadened by the food. Ha ha ha. Have you tried binging on carrots and celery?! It's like avoiding my responsibilities by talking to someone who won't indulge and enable my procrastination. I don't get my strokes anymore :( So, I think I may have tried to binge on a salad this morning, but it did not have the intended effect on me. So, the numbing never kicked in and I moved on to other distractions (just surfing the Internet here at work). So, it's four o'clock in the afternoon and I've accomplished just about nothing. If I hadn't returned all my phone calls I'd be in the doghouse, so I'll cut me some slack. Not a whole lot of progress though.
So, I'll blog the rest of the day away and return for more tomorrow ;)
Okay, so I just played my trump card. I'm officially dis-involved with the alternative energy company courting me. I just called and spoke to the head guy and he requested I send him an email. It's sent and I'm done. Which leads me to the next bit of news...
I've tentatively decided to possibily establish a commission to look into going back to school to finish my teaching credential. I tried once before and royally bolluxed the whole bit. I'm still paying for it and then some. But, this is big news for me. I'm officially considering education again. I left education severely wounded by ridiculous overreactions to my immature mistakes. The door was closed on me and I walked away battered and bruised. It's been a couple years and I've decided that this one experience cannot steal away and deny me the joy and passion I have for teaching. 'Nuff said.
So, it won't happen quickly. It won't be rushed. At this point, I will start making plans to complete my credential through Simpson University. I will shoot for starting next fall and finish two years after that. All said, I may be teaching again by the fall of 2011. Hmm. Sounds good. It feels good being able to plan something that far in advance. I'm proud of myself for seeing the healthiness and value in taking this slowly. Yay!
Today's Music:
Hard Christian Music - Early Tourniquet, Living Sacrifice, P.O.D., Project 86, Bloodshed (YEAH!!)
This was long overdue. Having this new life of maturity and growth has asked me to shelf my love for hard music, but I've rediscovered it today. Personal favorites:
"Coming Back" P.O.D.
"The Scarlet Letter" Bloodshed
"Threshold" Stavesacre
"You Get What You Pray For" Tourniquet
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