Who I Believe Me to Be

God help me to see me as you see me. Give me the courage to accept the truth about who I am. I confess that I often limit my life to the abilities I've already seen in me. You want me to trust you. I love you and sincerely desire to rely only on you for my self-worth and true value.

One of my Memorial DVD's made it on the Evening News!!

Yep, that's right. One of the Memorial DVD's I created for my client made it on the channel 12 evening news. How exciting!!!!




Tim joked that I should send a nice letter requesting compensation for the public performance of a copyrighted work. He he. I figure since I fudged and caved in to their request for a popular song to be played instead of the typical licensed elevator music we normally used I should just keep my mouth shut.

Personally, I appreciate the exposure. I understand the economics behind free publicity. So there RIAA. :'P Enjoy!





This post dedicated to Steve Zinn.

Yay for Site for Sore Eyes

I broke my glasses on Saturday. I wasn't terribly bummed out about it because I broke them playing in a jump house which has got to be one of the most fun experiences I've had lately. That plus the fact that they are two years old and it's almost time for new ones! So, I thought, why not move the date up a little and get it done now? I don't have any appts. (or so I thought -- see previous post FMI). So I called around and made an appt. with Wal-Mart for an eye exam. Shasta Professional Association wanted to charge me $150 for an eye exam. I asked her if that included glasses and she laughed at me. He he. Oops. Silly me. So, I paid $55 at Wal-Mart and got my prescription complete with dilated eyes. LOL My left eye is considerably worse than my right eye, but I love them both equally well. When I went to Site for Sore Eyes to take advantage of their $55 credit for existing eye exams with the second pair of frames free, the optician was very nice and helpful. After a few different conversations, she asked to see my broken glasses and said she could prolly fix them for me. So, as I recovered from the sticker shock of eyeglass prices, she fixed my old glasses (better than they've been in a long time, I might add) and sent me on my way for the happily paid fee of $25. Yay Site for Sore Eyes!! So, I'll save up my money and get the best features and options when I can afford it. In the meantime, I can see again!

Grrr to me

I totally screwed up yesterday and forgot my appointment I scheduled with an important client. Grr. I am so disappointed with me. I put the appt in my Outlook calendar, but it didn't sync with Google. So, when I check my appts yesterday morning, it wasn't there. So, I went about my day and didn't think twice about it till I got home and saw the messages on my phone. GRRR...

Thoughts on Last Night

No doubt about it. I messed up. There's no way around it. Saturday night was not given any fair amount of attention by my heart. I can't even look at it now - I don't trust myself to be honest. What is it about me that finds a morbid satisfaction in your mistakes toward me? Bitterness. Bitterness fuels this satisfaction in your mistakes. Bitterness about what? Discontent. Not being honest with myself and you. I missed out on the last couple days and all the growth and change because I am stuck in the hurt and pain of Saturday night. I haven't moved past Saturday night because I haven't wanted to be honest with you. It doesn't help

3. Your struggle affects my serenity.

I want ice cream. I have to sum up all the courage and might left in my frail body in order to get this out. Your struggle affects my serenity. I'm not so much caught up in the whole "My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain" thing, but oh dear lord I am frustratingly paralyzed by your struggles. I love serenity. I love that I can have serenity. I love Seinfeld for making it so easy to yell, "Serenity Now!" anytime I need to get back to basics. LMAO. I think my blood pressure's rising again...

Why does your struggle affect my serenity so much?! It's aggravating to me for sure and I'm sure it's aggravating to you too (guilt anyone? Woe is me!!). I have no control over your struggle. I am helpless over your struggle. I want to explore what choices I do have from a biblical/heavenly perspective. In the meantime, I must give up any desire for control over your struggle. Instead, I will be here to support you and encourage you the best way I can.

My serenity is mine to defend or give away. My penchant to blame others for the hurt and pain in my childhood has had far-reaching consequences in my life. I'm thinking maybe my blaming others has affected my strength to maintain my serenity. For how can I take the responsible measures to maintain serenity when I have often given away my strength for the helplessness of a victim?

My serenity is my choice.

Personal: An Old Bruise Comes to Light

R came home tonight from being out with the girls. Totally fun and totally fine. She connected with a friend of hers and felt like they are the better for it. She had a few drinks and smoked a cigarette. To be honest, cigarettes are about the most disgusting thing I've had the displeasure of experiencing. I understand smoking from a sensation standpoint -- I do the same thing with eating. It calms me (or at least distracts & or numbs me enough to get by).

I had a tough evening with the kids. Actually, the kids were amazing and a blast. They are so amazing. I, on the other hand, freaked out and spent the whole evening alternating between avoiding whatever I was feeling and numbing my feelings with junk food. I am proud of myself for avoiding the cookies and cream ice cream though. lol it's the little things that I try to focus on to pick me up.

So, I finally face the ridiculousness of my efforts for the evening and I finally stop. I turned off all the lights and laid on the couch and breathed. There's something amazingly incredible and mysterious that goes on in my body when I finally stop and "turn off". Prolly less than twenty minutes after I laid down, R comes home. She's wanting to bring the party home. I'm trying to sleep. And yes, on the couch. Well, she comes in and lays next to me on the couch. I can smell the alcohol and stale cigarettes. At first, I'm annoyed. I realize that it's her choice and I neither can nor want to control her actions. If she smoked regularly, she would prolly grow tired of me never kissing her fairly quickly. Instead, I asked how her evening went and found out everything went great. I started to fall asleep as she finished talking and garnered a gentle shove and a playful "wake up!" from a fully awake R. I told her directly that I was planning to go to the first church service in the morning. She started whining playfully and I started to feel tense and frustrated.

Why?

After we sorted it all out, I realized that I felt ignored when I told her what I needed. When she kept pressuring me to give her what she wanted, I started to brace for her frustration and anger. As I stopped reacting and looked at the situation, I started to wonder how I had gotten here in the first place. I mean, who controlled me by opening up a can of emotional whoop-ass when I said no? Why am I so scared of incurring the wrath of someone else's emotional terrorism? I realize now that I felt powerless. Really, I was being manipulated. By R? No. At least not yet. Eventually, I know that R might have seen it, but last night was not the case. Why? Because she helped me figure all this out. We compromised and did the best we could. We spent a little time together and we fell asleep holding hands. It wasn't what she wanted, but it was what I could give her. Maybe someday she will see me more than she sees her needs. It's not for me to be her saviour.

I am learning to be honest in my relationships. Every day, I'm learning how to say what I want, what I need, and maintain the boundaries I need to live a healthy and joy-filled life.

I am Michael and I am CoDependent.